On many unfortunate occasions, criminal prosecutions and divorce cases come hand-in-hand. As a criminal defense attorney, I have many criminal cases referred to me by family law attorneys, and I have worked with family law attorneys on domestic violence injunctions and dependency matters. The biggest problem with these cases (besides the delicate nature of a client whose relationship is crumbling and who is charged with a criminal offense) is the on-hold music that family law attorneys have on their phone systems. Many firms have on-hold music that would put a caffeine-addled lawyer with insomnia to sleep. Some firms make it worse by taking the opportunity to blast a non-stop commercial at people who are on hold. Having been subjected to these various forms of aural waterboarding by family law firms throughout the Tampa Bay area, I thought I would suggest a playlist to make calling your office a less tortuous experience.
Selecting the right music for your on-hold system is kind of like that mixtape you made for your girlfriend in high school.[1] There are “loads of rules”[2] for putting together the right music for your on-hold system. Obviously, for this track listing, we are incorporating songs related to divorce and lawyers. The following is a list of songs for family law attorneys to consider:
“D-I-V-O-R-C-E” by Tammy Wynette
“50 Ways To Leave Your Lover” by Paul Simon
“Hit The Road Jack” by Ray Charles
“Two Story House” by George Jones
“We Love Our Lawyers“ by Cibo Matto
“In The Jailhouse Now” by The Soggy Bottom Boys
“Will Your Lawyer Talk to God For You” by Kitty Wells
“She Got the Goldmine, I Got the Shaft” by Johnny Paycheck
(only if your clients are exclusively female!)
“I Confess” by The English Beat
“I Shall Be Released” by Bob Dylan
"Stay Together for the Kids" by Blink-182
“Love Stinks” by The J. Geils Band
“Goodbye To You” by Scandal
“Go Your Own Way” by Fleetwood Mac
“I Hate Myself For Loving You” by Joan Jett and The Blackhearts
“Let's Call The Whole Thing Off” by Harry Connick, Jr.
“Separate Ways (Worlds Apart)” by Journey
(all good mixes have a Journey song)
“Happy Trails” by Van Halen
“Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley
“All My Ex's Live In Texas” by George Strait
“Don't Go Away Mad (Just Go Away)” by Motley Crue
“Lay That Pistol Down, Babe (Pistol Packin' Mama)” by Frank Sinatra
“No Trash In My Trailer” by Gene Watson
“Sleeping Single In A Double Bed” by Barbara Mandrell
“Breaking Up is Hard to Do” by Neil Sedaka
Of course, any country station is a good source of the material. Always be careful in your song selection. And as a final consideration, there are some songs to avoid, like, “We Can Work It Out,” “I Fought the Law and the Law Won,” and “Cheaper to Keep Her."
Bruce Denson is a criminal defense attorney in St. Petersburg. He is glad to work with family law attorneys on matters pertaining to criminal charges, domestic violence injunctions, and dependency.
[1] You remember the one that had a lot of Journey and Police and ended with “I’ll Stop the World and Melt with You.”
[2] From Nick Hornby’s High Fidelity “A good compilation tape, like breaking up, is hard to do. You've got to kick off with a corker, to hold the attention . . . and then you've got to up it a notch, or cool it a notch, and you can't have white music and black music together, unless the white music sounds like black music, and you can't have two tracks by the same artist side by side unless you've done the whole thing in pairs and...oh, there are loads of rules.”
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